3 days before Ayden’s birthday, my mother-in-law passed away. She’s been living with us ever since she got bed-ridden following my father-in-law’s death 2.5 years ago. Could be the trauma of losing husband, could be something else, she had a fall on the 4th day of his passing, which caused a major femur bone fracture, and had related complications and she never recovered. It fact, it went worse when she started showing symptoms of dementia. In a nut shell, she was in her bed & wheelchair most of the time, with a full time caretaker appointed exclusively to take care of her.
I had a good relationship with my in-laws from the beginning. My MIL & I used to discuss a lot of our little secrets which we usually don’t discuss with others. We used to talk about our husbands – mostly on how bad they are, and laugh about it, and changed the topic if my FIL walked in. Though she was close to most of her’s & her husband’s family, she didn’t share some of the defining experiences in her life with anyone. She discussed with me. I think that was trust. Losing her dad at 21, marrying the man of her choice against the family’s wishes, struggle with infertility for 7 years, tiff with religion… We discussed way too many things which I’m pretty sure neither her husband nor mine knew much about. When my husband’s dotting uncles & aunts told me that I’m lucky to have him as my husband, my MIL always corrected them that it’s he who is lucky to have me as his wife. He sure is!
She was the most educated woman in the entire family. Prioritised education over everything else, fighting a system back in the day that thought education for women wasn’t as important as making perfectly round rotis. But eventually ended up quitting her highly-respected job to raise kids & perfect those rotis. She told me later that she regretted quitting.
Probably the only thing that I didn’t discuss much with her was Ayden. I didn’t think she’d understand. Maybe on that front, we were different.
So, that 74 year old who was loved by pretty much everyone around her died of cardiac arrest in her sleep on May 30th. Until that day, when things were normal, I had planned a few things on Ayden’s birthday, like I did every year. The only difference this year is that Omi understands birthdays & can fairly communicate a few things. I’ve been telling him that it’s Ayden’s birthday coming up. He doesn’t really know who Ayden is, but knew that there would be cake involved. Every time I mention birthday, he’d immediately shout out “cake… cake…” So I planned to bake a cake for him to cut on his brother’s birthday. But when things spiralled 3 days before the birthday & there were a lot more emotions beyond anyone’s control, baking a cake was the last thing on my mind.
I wasn’t sure what was worse – not having the child to celebrate his 4th birthday, or looking at a visibly heart-broken husband & brother-in-law who’ve just lost their mom. They lost both their parents, and one of them lost a son too.
As Google photos notifies you of the painful throwback pictures from 4 years ago, I found myself trying to justify that I should put my thoughts in the back burner & be with the family grieving MIL’s loss.
As I was doing all these, I also found myself thinking subconsciously about what we would be doing if Ayden was here. Of course, we’d be canceling all the celebrations we’d have planned. Well, the only celebration during this covid-induced lockdown would be a home-baked cake cutting with family on video call, a photoshoot by parents & gifts. Now that he’s 4, I’d have explained the concept of death in a way that he would understand, without involving angels or gods. I’d have expected him to understand a bit of it, unlike Omi who thought his dadi-ma was sleeping & said wakey wakey… I’d have also told him not to suppress his emotions & that he can cry if he wanted to. I’d have also made sure to spend enough time with him, so that he doesn’t get confused with the visible cloud in the house. I’d have done so many things…
This is me wearing a cape of good hope not just for myself, but also for a family that’s had back to back losses in the past 4 years!
Mother that isn't... 