Do you call yourself a mother if you lose your only child?

My son, Ayden, born with a Congenital Heart Disease called TGA (Transposition of Great Arteries), underwent an open heart surgery at 7 days old and passed away when he was 29 days old. You can read my story here.

There’s no bigger pain that losing your own child! I learnt it the hard way.

The first few weeks of Ayden’s passing away, I struggled trying to be normal. I thought the initial few days would be tough, and later on it should be ok. But it was the other way around. The initial few days – insurance formalities, family and friends around, I hardly had time to think for myself. I didn’t actually get the time & space that I wanted. The air around me was different.

But later on, it was so tough. I wish someone had told me this earlier. It was so tough that I almost seized to exist. It was a struggle that can’t be described.

I’m usually looked upon as a strong woman. I think I am, to some extent, but this life event made me very vulnerable, and started questioning things that I never did earlier. I started Googling on how parents cope with child loss, if they ever forget, if it ever heals… I realized what I was feeling was absolutely normal. That was a reassurance.

When there were emotions that I couldn’t express to anyone, I started expressing it to Ayden – in my pregnancy journal that I had started from my 2nd trimester on. This journal has notes on all the major pregnancy milestones, happy moments and notes from the hospital. It has some pictures too. I thought, some day when he’s old enough, he’ll get to read on how we chose his name, the story behind his pink baby basket, etc. So, I continued expressing my grief to him, in the most raw form. That journal was my therapy. I enjoyed it. I still do.

I realized, not just me, my husband & Ayden, but others needed to know too – at least a few things. Now that we had become ripe targets for advices, and sometimes (unintentional) hurtful words disguised under the wrap of advices, this was important. I started this blog.

I’m a private person. It takes a lot for me to emote myself in public. It took a lot of courage to take some part of that journal to this blog and share it with the world. I think that’s the impact your lost child has on you and your life. That’s what your unconditional love to him makes you do. I’m glad I did.

This is not a very sad or negative blog. It’s just how I see things.

This blog is an attempt to document all the major emotional ups & downs of losing your own child. With no intentions to be rude or offensive, I genuinely wish people understood the emotions a little better!