We lost Ayden 2 years ago, today!
Omid has been keeping me busy and I’ve hardly had the time to do anything else other than things related to him. Ayden’s birthday last month was painful, but I tried every bit to make sure that I spend time & bond with Omi who deserves it all as well.
Today is different.
Until this afternoon I thought I was better than last year, with Omi by my side. But honestly, I realized I was just being fake. As the day went by, the cringe in my abdomen was getting tighter & I lived the loss all over again the moment I realized it.
A friend of ours, a bereaved mother herself, told us that she found it a lot easier after the birth of her rainbow baby. Does it actually get easier? I wouldn’t know. Yet. I’ve just started it. So far it hasn’t changed.
I think of Ayden all the time. But today I need a bit more to think of him in peace, write about him and mourn him, but his brother needs my undivided attention. The guilt of putting aside your dead child and attending only to your rainbow is painful. And then again there’s the guilt of not prioritising your rainbow who needs you now, and mourning your dead child instead. Do all these thoughts affect my milk supply & deprive Omi of his nutrition? Can he sense my sorrow? Did he notice that I didn’t talk to him much today? So many ifs & buts! I told myself – be calm, you can’t mess up your living baby’s life, enjoy your precious moments with him. But damn! It doesn’t work that way.
I found myself trembling the same way I did on July 1st, 2016 when I was told “the heart has stopped.” Going through his pictures & videos and helplessly realizing he could have had a chance at life is one of the worst feelings ever. That lump in the throat hasn’t gotten any smaller over these 2 years.
Omi is here, wriggling & stretching his tiny body, maybe wanting to be picked up & rocked. I pat him gently & tell him that mummy needs a few minutes for myself, and shed a drop or 2, without feeling guilty because his big brother deserves my time as well. He burped, so that must be a yes!
Mother that isn't... 