“Don’t worry, you’ll have another baby soon”
“He’ll come back to you in the form of another baby”
“God will bless you with another baby soon”
Never say these. Never to a bereaved parent. This does more harm than any help, in case you thought otherwise. All well-intentioned, but very painful.
Honestly, to me it sounds like – all you need is a kid, and as long as you are of reproducible age, you don’t have to worry about anything. No. Just no. The kid that we just lost was a part of us, a piece of our hearts. He still is. Just sperms and eggs don’t make kids. There were innumerable other things that went into the process of making that kid. And much more in losing him. All invisible to you.
It hurts when you make it sound easy. To have this kid we just lost, we went through a lot of planning, thoughts, emotional ups & downs – the way it should be for any major life event. After months of excitement, nervousness, mood swings, midnight leg cramps, sugary cravings, happy tears, etc. we had him finally. It was a long wait over. We were happy, extremely happy. And, just in a snap we realized we’re losing him. Now, we need the same thoughts and planning and emotions and everything else to unlearn a few things we learnt, and go through it again to relearn some of them. It’s not easy. Not at all.
A lost child is a lost child. No replacement there. Period.
Human mind is complex. Your thoughts get even more complex when you lose a loved one. And, if it’s a child that you gave birth to, your thoughts have no boundary.
Having another kid is not seamless. Fear – there are different kind of fears that you go through before you even think of the next one.
Fear of recurrence:
If the kid died of any congenital illness, like it happened with Ayden, you know that you will fear every day of your next pregnancy. No denying that. Even if your scans and doctors assure you that this kid is all healthy, you wouldn’t be convinced until you have them in your arms, on your chest. This fear is critical. You can’t brush that aside. To overcome that fear, to make sure you have a relatively stress-free pregnancy, there’s a lot of mental preparation from you, your partner, family & friends. And, for this you need to take time out – to plan, to expect, to accept another pregnancy.
Fear of forgetting your lost child:
My husband & I had the same thoughts, but we never discussed with each other. We found out that our thoughts were similar only months after Ayden passed away. We both thought at some point that we don’t want to have kids anymore, only because we don’t want to forget Ayden. It would kill us to know that there’s a chance of us forgetting him.
We’ll never forget him for sure, but the fear is true.
Fear of advices:
There were a lot of advices that we received when Ayden was hospitalized, more so after he passed away. I don’t want to hear them again for my next pregnancy. I don’t want people to suggest me to consult that doctor their daughter had consulted or just say don’t forget to take your supplements on time. Just because we had a tough situation with our firstborn, that doesn’t mean we don’t know things. I truly fear this bunch of advices that are to be hurled on us.
Let grief take its course. Let the parents decide – to or not to have kids again. Let them prepare. Let them know that their lost child is still important.
A simple I’m sorry or I know this is painful or even better you’ll never get over it have much more therapeutic properties than you’ll have another kid soon.
When you tell me, you’ll be pregnant again, I tell you – I want that pregnancy, I want that child. And, this is not a negative thought. This is as positive as those 2 purple lines. It’s just the way it is.